• Sowmenella
• Baconic Plague
• Aporkalypse
• Hamthrax (my favorite!)
• Pigpox
• Epigdemic
• Spamthrax (a mutation of original Hamthrax)
• Porkinson’s
• Hamdemic
• SnOutbreak
• Swineabifida
• Hamaggeddon
• Tuporkulosis
• Mad Sow Disease
• The Other White Flu (or Virus)
• Smallporks
• Porky’s Revenge
• Hamfluenza
• Mex Hex
• HogWarts
• The Aporkalypse
• Vegan Vengeance
• El Plague
• Alswiner’s
• The Swinedemic
• Spamdemic 2009
• Boar-ed To Death
• PigSlamic Jihad
• Nachoo Flu
• PigMentation
• DePigMentation
• Nacho Daddy’s Virus

The Question: What happened when the tornado ripped through the pig-farm?

Yeah, it's got a Hemi

Let me give you an example. Do you spend your hard earned money on those goofy curly light bulbs? Not me. Sorry if you do. Why would I spend more money to buy a light-bulb that I have to damn near wear a hazardous material outfit to dispose of it? Don’t you think that this says something about the toxicity potential of these “green wonders”? I’ll take 4 for $1 good old-fashioned bulbs any day. I feel like I’m doing more to save the environment than you self proclaimed “green” people by not buying those expensive inconvenient squiggly things.

How about this for a reason not to buy into the whole “global warming” farce. One of the biggest arguments that is attempted by those who are brain-washed into believing this garbage consists of the melting of the icecaps at the earth’s poles. Did it ever occur to anyone that this could be a natural process in the continual formation of the earth? Since most of the North American continent was covered in ice millions of years ago it makes since to me that this could be a natural cycle for the planet we call home. Even if I’m wrong about it, I saw an interview with a professor from a widely recognized university here in the U.S. say that the average temps around the world have gone up about three quarters of a degree in the last 100 years or so. That is not even a full degree! WHO CARES? This gentleman went on to say that at some point in the past there was a petition floating around blasting the “global warming” untruth. There was apparently 30,000 signatures of scientists scribbled upon it. I guess not many believed them back then and they have never created another petition.

If I am still not getting my point across, let me put it to you this way. It seems as though everything today effects “global warming” to one extent or the other. No matter what you do you’re either contributing to global warming or you are not. Products, services and activities are “environmentally friendly” or they are not. If “global warming” is such a big problem, why is our government racking up a debt for every man, woman and child here in the U.S. that now exceeds $40,000 a piece to bailout bad banks and awful automakers? Shouldn’t they have sent each household coupons for hybrid vehicles, solar panels, and windmills? I’ll bet they could have implemented that program for less money than it is costing us in what I like to call the “Green Chutes” program.

If you are a victim of the “global warming” scheme being peddled by big business and big government these days just remember this: You might think you are helping global slow “global warming” by your activities but you may actually be contributing to a host of other problems you might not be aware of in your “green” lifestyle. These include, but are not limited to, giving big business more of your hard earned money, keeping politicians corrupt, and making our environment more hazardous than before you arrived! As for me, I’ll be smokin’ a cigarette with my incandescent lamp providing light over my shoulder as I sit upon my couch viewing no less than 4 televisions. My electricity is generated by coal-fired power plants. This makes power cheap here in the Hoosier State and the pollution conveniently blows eastward toward Ohio and Pennsylvania which makes it nice. Billy Mays couldn’t convince me this “global warming” sham is for real. So until I see ocean instead of corn out my window: WHO CARES? NOT ME!

Gnat King Coal

O is for the OPPOSITION that’s still being unfurled.

R is for the REWARDS that you country will never reap.

T is for the TREACHERY within your borders you keep.

H is for the HELP that your country could use.

K is for the KIDS you continue to abuse.

O is for the OPAQUENESS in which you run your show.

R is for the REGRETS that you may soon know.

E is for the EVIL manchild who never seems to rest.

A is for the A-HOLE thats about to get you into a big MESS!

on the side of that Ivory soap box,

we could hardly wait to get home,

and empty our severly swollen…………umm………….

Let me start over….

So there you were,

high atop the x-rated scene,

becoming every man’s fantasy,

cause you licked them all……………umm………..

That didn’t work either……..

A performing beauty you were,

to the porn industry you brought class,

even though you frequently liked,

to take it up the………umm………….

Wow…this is tougher than I thought………..

We remember you  very well,

behind that green door,

but don’t worry about it Miss Chambers,

we don’t think you were a………umm…………….

I don’t think I can do this…………..

You performed with a style,

not to mention lots of grace,

even when there were several,

exploding units in your……………umm…………………….

This is just impossible……

You were a dedicated individual,

probably not taking many rests,

maybe just asking for a towel once in a while,

to wipe the mess off your perky…………..umm…………….

I think I got it this time………..

It’s really depressing that your gone,

I’m so very close to a sob,

cause even when all of your orifices were occupied,

you could still give a hand………….umm…………

Alright, that’s it, one more try……

An insatiable vixen of sex,

with many adventures and roams,

my most cherished memory of you will always be……..

when you deep-throated John Holmes!

R.I.P. Miss Chambers,

Love,

“Spanky”

May you rest in peace Marilyn Chambers. The world loved you on the side of the Ivory soap carton when you were young then fell in love with you all over again when you grew up and let us know who you really were. I must go now for I am going to seek out my copy of  Behind the Green Door and watch it in her honor. With one hand on my heart and the other hand………..ummmm…………wiping away………. a…………tear…….yeah, that’s it,a tear.

Before proceeding any further, I have to tell you that chasing storms is, even for an educated and experienced person, a dangerous thing to do. YOU CAN GET YOURSELF INJURED OR KILLED. There are many dangers in and around areas effected by severe storms. Large damaging hail, rattlesnakes, high winds, flooded roads and frequent deadly lightning strikes are just a few of items you might have to deal with.

Money is really the only thing keeping people from chasing for a living. I know it sounds simplistic but this is just the reality of things. You can’t go chasing without the proper equipment. You’ll need a reliable and safe vehicle with at least one laptop computer to run your gps and live radar. My pricing might be a little outdated but, the last I knew XM weather satellite equipment was around the $1000 range plus another $100 a month to subscribe to the service. Rough estimates for everything you need might be around $20k. This is just for equipment you need. There is still lodging, gas, food, vehicle maintenance and insurance to cover. I would certainly want a few grand on hand for emergencies. I think $25-30k would cover the investment for the short-term. Please note that we haven’t even taken into consideration that you’ll need an education. It only took me a semester and a half to rack up about a $15,000 student loan balance. If I hadn’t contributed a few grand out of my own pocket that total would be closer to $20k.

Time to go make our money back right? Well I am sorry to inform you that you won’t live long enough to accomplish that. You see, the only income you can make is selling video that you make of your expedition. Even if you happen to catch a tornado on video, you still have to sell it. The most you could make on an exclusive video sold to a major network is a few hundred bucks. Seeing a twister is a rare occurence even in ideal conditions. It took traveling 14,476 miles from Montana to the Mexican border for me to see about 6 tornadoes. This is with all the proper equipment and an expert with 23 years of experience leading the way. If I still haven’t convinced you that you can’t make a living trying to film something most people run away from, then you evidently have more money than you have sense. But if you insist on making a go of it, let me know cause I could use a job and I like a good challenge!

I can’t believe it is 2009 and we are talking about pirates. Now we’re not referring to the kind with big sailing ships, eye-patches, cannon, and hooks for hands but the modern day ones with handguns, lifeboats, and not even a glimmer of hope for sense. I am curious as to what the mindset would be of a person who gets his buddies together in a johnboat with some small arms fire looks over at an American cargo ship and says; “I think we can take ‘er boys”. Hel-lo! What are they smokin’ in their hash pipes in Somolia nowadays? This is The United States of America and we don’t put up with anybody attacking us at home or abroad! Underdogs are great in sports but it doesn’t mean diddly when it comes to firepower.

In case you didn’t already know…It is being reported at this time that Navy seals have freed our captain, captured one pirate and made fishfood of the other three. So if you are looking for a new, and certainly short, career I know where there is at least 4 openings at the Somali Pirate Club! You might get paid, but more likely to get laid….in the ground.

Question…What is the last thing a Somali Pirate says before dying?

Answer….”Hey ya’ll, watch this!”